Kill Alex Cross (James Patterson): Analysis - Confusing Viewpoint Character

Title: Kill Alex Cross
Author: James Patterson
Genre: Thriller / Mystery
Pages: 384
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Publish date: November 2011
Exerpt Length: 310 words

Excerpt

It began with President Coyle's children, Ethan and Zoe, both high-profile personalities since they had arrived in Washington, and probably even before that.

Twelve year-old Ethan Coyle thought he had gotten used to living under the microscope and in the public eye. So Ethan hardly noticed anymore the news cameramen perpetually camped outside the Branaff School gates, and he didn't worry the way he used to if some kid he didn't know tried to snap his picture in the hall, or the gymnasium, or even the boys' bathroom.

Sometimes, Ethan even pretended he was invisible. It was kind of babyish, kind of b.s., but who cared. It helped. One of the more personable Secret Service guys had actually suggested it. He told Ethan that Chelsea Clinton used to do the same thing. Who knew if that was true?

But when Ethan saw Ryan Townsend headed his way that morning, he only wished he could disappear.

Ryan Townsend always had it in for him, and that wasn't just Ethan's paranoia talking. He had the purplish and yellowing bruises to prove it -- the kind that a good hard punch or muscle squeeze can leave behind.

"Wuzzup, Coyle the Boil?" Townsend said, charging up on him in the hall with that look on his face. "The boil havin' a bad day already?"

Ethan knew better than to answer his tormentor and torturer. He cut a hard left toward the lockers instead -- but that was his first mistake. Now there was nowhere to go, and he felt a sharp, nauseating jab to the side of his leg. He'd been kicked! Townsend barely even slowed down as he passed. He called these little incidents "drive-bys".

The thing Ethan didn't do was yell out, or stumble in pain. That was the deal he'd made with himself: don't let anyone see what your feeling inside.

Who Is The Narrator? Who Is the Viewpoint Character?
The first sentence _tells_ the reader that "It began with [the] children". We are supposed to believe that is true, because surely the narrator is believable. Then, we come to the end of the sentence and get: "and probably even before that." Probably? Is this a misinformed narrator? Does s/he not know? Why not? In my mind I begin to believe it is because the narrator is young. Sentences which follow continue to convince me of that.

Third Sentence, A Question Erupts: Does the Author Care?
Only three sentences in and I'm already not loving it. Even when I'm reading light stuff I want it to be extremely readable. I only have so much time I can devote to reading so the time I spend I want to be a worthy investment.
The thing is, I'm only three sentences in and the sentence is so poorly constructed I wonder if the author cares. If he does, why didn't he change the following sentence?

"So Ethan hardly noticed anymore the news cameramen perpetually camped..."

Hardly noticed anymore the news cameramen? What? Man, come on. Bad sentence construction is lazy and makes the reading so much more difficult.
Here's the author's aphorism: The better you write, the faster I can read.

So Much Telling, Give Me Some Show
This author tells everything. I can't see anything. He tells me Ethan "hardly noticed" but why doesn't he show me him hardly noticing? Besides, maybe the narrator is a liar. Maybe Ethan really does notice. That's why as writers, we must show the reader the action and let the reader determine what is happening. That's how real life works. There is no narrator explaining things along the way. If you want your writing to seem more realistic, write what you "see" and stop telling what the characters are feeling.

Is This A Young-Adult / Juvenile Novel?
It is these things -- the unreliable narrator, the malformed sentences -- that make me begin to believe I'm reading a juvenile novel. I pause and look it up on Amazon.com and it seems it is written for adults.

Other Sentences Lead Me To Another Conclusion
Then I stumble upon this sentence:

"One of the more personable Secret Service guys had actually suggested it."

Personable is not a word a juvenile would use, so now I do not believe the viewpoint character is a kid.

I Don't Understand This Sentence At All

"But when Ethan saw Ryan Townsend headed his way that morning, he only wished he could disappear."

Why did he _only_ wish he could disappear? Why did he not also wish he was super-strong and/or that he could fly? I believe there may be an emphasis on the _only_ but the original text has no italics or anything. It's very confusing and it's more tell and no show. Why can't the author show Ethan cower and shiver and loathe the presence of the bully? Instead he tells, tells, tells and I don't even believe him.

A Lump of Bad Sentences

(1.) Ethan knew better than to answer his tormentor and torturer. He cut a hard left toward the lockers instead -- but that was his (2.) first mistake. Now there was nowhere to go, and he felt a sharp,
nauseating jab to the side of his leg. He'd been (3.)kicked!

(1.) tormentor and torturer? Who talks like that? Certainly not a 12-year-old. Who is this narrator?

(2.) This was his first mistake -- okay, generally if you begin to enumerate things then you are going to make a list of more than one. Where are the other mistakes after this? Not sure, and it's annoying. First of all, stop it. And b, don't do that.

(3.) Adding the exclamation ! does not make it seem more serious that he "had been kicked". Particularly when the sentence is a passive sentence -- "had been" -- which is another tell instead of a show. Amateur. This is one of Noah Lukeman's (below) main tests to determine which manuscripts must be thrown away (if the first 5 pages contain a ! throw it away).

Patterson must be a better writer than this to have gotten this far. Mustn't he? Well, no matter. You certainly must be to get further than you already are. The good news? You can most certainly do better than this. Start showing and don't stop.

Keep on learning, keep on writing.
~Newton Saber