Author: Catherine Coulter
Genre: thriller
Pages: 416
Publisher: Putnam
Publish date: 2008
Excerpt Length: 230 words
Excerpt
Black Rock Lake
Oranack, Maryland
Friday night
She thought she swallowed because her throat burned hot, as if splashed with sharp acid, but she wasn't sure because she couldn't think clearly. Her mind felt dark, heavy and thick as chains, and she knew to her soul there was violence just beyond it. She smelled something rancid, oil with a layer of rot and decay. What was that smell? What did it mean? Her brain wasn't clear enough yet to figure it out. But she knew she had to, had to fight it or - what? I'll die, that's what. I've got to get myself together, I've got to wake up, or I'll die.
The smell grew stronger, and she wanted to vomit. She knew she had to be awake or she'd choke to death. She had to move, to wake up.
She swallowed again, nearly heaved when the acid in her throat mixed with that rancid smell. She tried to breathe lightly, concentrated all her energy on opening her eyes, on feeling her body, on tearing herself out of the black shroud where she was unable to move or speak. Her head felt heavy, her throat burned, and her mind - where was her mind? There, gnawing at the edges of her brain, were sharp hits of pain and fear, sweeping away the confusion, coming closer, breaking through the numbness.
Analysis
This is a good second entry for our 100 Beginnings because it too is a thriller just as our first entry, The Partner, by John Grisham (link to previous blog entry). Both of these novels begin with what I call the Mystery Protagonist, which is where the reader experiences details but does not know to whom they are happening.
I've noticed this type of beginning becoming quite popular among authors, although I'm not necessarily sure it is popular among readers. It is an attempt to force the reader into vicariously experiencing the story, since the author does not attach the experience to a character in the book.
Author Revealed
Generally, the concept falls flat and feels as if the author is lurking just behind a curtain ready to jump out and say, "Aha, I got you."
In our previous analysis we saw how deftly John Grisham was able to pull off the use of Mystery Protagonist, however here in Tailspin we see it poorly done.
More About the Mystery Protagonist Technique
Many authors employing the Mystery Protagonist technique are attempting to set up tension as a hook to the reader by enticing the reader to find out who the action is happening to. In Grisham's story I think it works well, because he sets the author's camera on specific details of the scene that begin to add up to the story.
Coulter's attempt fails, because her author's camera falls upon the wrong details. She describes the wrong things.
Describing the Wrong Things
What are the wrong things and why are they wrong?
She thought she swallowed -- generally if you are thinking at all, then you know if you swallowed. The author's attempt to show the character's disorientation fails and jars me from my reading, and I am only four words into the beginning of her story. Plus, remember, as I read I am living vicariously as the viewpoint character which means that I don't know what I am swallowing. That makes me ignorant or somewhat stupid. Why would I want to associate myself with a stupid character and live vicariously as if I am them?
Okay, Mr. Smarty-Saber, What Would You Write?
I would show the character choking like this:
Her body writhed under the murky water of the swamp as her hands clutched her throat in pain.
Coulter's sentence continues "...as if splashed with sharp acid."
Again, I am jarred by "sharp acid". I would never describe acid as sharp. It just doesn't add up. Bitter or burning acid would be okay. But, sharp acid makes no sense to me and forces me to consider -- not see -- the action that is taking place.
It's Only One Word Isn't It?
It's interesting that just one word trips me up so much. But, such are the subtleties of language. With that one word my brain shifts from fast reading / scanning / seeing to recognizing there is a writer at work here.
Reader's Reverie
I am pulled out of my reader's reverie. I'm reminded that someone is behind the scenes working. Questions form in my head without even trying and a I begin a discussion within myself.
What would sharp acid be like? I'm not sure. Instead of knowing and instantly imagining sharp acid, my mind attempts to see it, but can't.
I can see a sharp knife or a sharp stick (which would actually be pointy, not sharp -- another subtlety), but alas sharp acid does not evoke an image at all.
Write In Images
It is amazing that one simple word can create all of this inside a reader. The best writing does not give the reader time for this to happen. Think about the best writing. It is writing that transforms from words into pictures playing out before you. That is because readers don't want words, they want images that play out as the words disappear. But the words can only disappear when the writing is so clear that the reader doesn't trip. That is why great writing is clear writing.
Readers Are Intelligent
Keep in mind that if they are reading, then they must be intelligent. If they are intelligent, they are going to know when a word is wrong. If the word sounds wrong, then it is going to get them thinking, because they are intelligent and are going to look for the word you (as a writer) missed. All the time they spend doing that is time they do not spend reading your words.
Not Seeing It
One of the main reasons that poor fiction writing occurs is because the author couldn't _see_ the scene taking place. In the past when I've been stuck writing a scene and I cannot explain it, it is because I have not been able to imagine the scene and see it play on The Movie-Screen of My Mind.
I'm guessing the author couldn't really see what was happening with her character. The words were not transforming from words into symbols that float over the reader's mind, which in turn become images that display the action as it occurs, in such a way that the reader sees the story play out.
Continuing our line by line analysis, I notice that the author admits, "because she couldn't think clearly." I believe the author herself becomes muddled in how to describe someone who isn't thinking clearly and instead of showing that, she talks about it.
The following sentence ends this entire novel experience for me:
"Her mind felt dark, heavy and thick as chains, and she knew to her soul there was violence just beyond it."
"...knew to her soul"??
I cannot get past it as a reader, and there is no way to convince me that the entire book will not be filled with terrible reading. We're only at the second sentence and I dislike the end of the sentence so much that I only bear the rest of the first two pages because I know I'm writing an analysis of the book.
Who Likes That?
I suppose there are readers out there who like this. I suppose. I've read it to a wide range of readers including my 13-year-old son and we all agree it is terrible. But, why would the writing become this terrible in the second sentence? Why would the author leave this terrible sentence at the beginning of her novel?
There are only two reasons I can imagine:
1) The author actually thinks it is good.
2) The author wrote it once and never read it (edited) again.
Either one of those choices end this book for me.
On the one hand you have an author who has no idea what good writing is and on the other you have an author who thinks it is good writing and never questions herself. Either way, as a reader, I will waste no more time with this book.
Can't Stop the Analysis Quite Yet
However, there are a couple more things I'd like to point out about the over all message that this piece communicates. Hopefully they will serve as good examples of what not to do when we write. This is part of the whole Writer's Invisible Mentor (my other blog) philosophy.
Repetition, Possibly a Mistake
At the beginning of the fourth paragraph, the author writes:
"She swallowed again, nearly heaved when the acid in her throat..."
Repetition of a phrase should be purposeful in an attempt to get the reader's attention. This second mention of the acid really gets my attention. I begin to wonder if there really is some type of acid in her throat. Is there? I'm not sure. Instead I'm just confused. I think the author is attempting to confuse me because she's trying to create mystery and suspense.
Show Don't Tell, Vs. Mystery Suspense
However, mystery and suspense is not created by the author confusing the reader about what is going on. But that seems to be why the author doesn't just say, "She continued to sink under the dark swamp waters, until she thought her lungs would explode in their desire for air."
Instead, the author says, "like sharp acid" and then "acid in her throat."
I'm lost. This isn't mystery or suspense. It is down-right trickery.
This reminds me of those amateur stories where the author tries to trick the reader.
Tricking the Reader
Here's a short example I quickly made up that provides an example of one of those stories that tries to trick the reader.
Our captors gave us food each day and I was always upset with myself because I
ate it. I wanted to throw it back at them and yell, "I won't eat it as long as
you keep me caged. I'll die first! Live free or die!"
But food is life and no one wants to throw life away.
Finally, one day, my captor opened the door and I saw he was distracted. I flew out and out and out. I streaked toward the window I knew would be open and out into a tree. Freedom at last, with all the other birds.
Ho, ho, ha ha. Isn't that nifty? The _prisoner_ was actually a bird.
This is a common theme (cliché) that many authors have written using one kind of animal or another. Any author who writes such a thing believes it to be mystery and suspense, until they finally mature.
Once they mature they see the sappy story for the true schlock it is. So, why isn't it mystery and suspense?
Three reasons:
1) Vicarious Living: Via Character: Any reader is supposed to be living vicariously through the main character. You can't live vicariously if you don't know who you are. Provide the proper details for the viewpoint character.
2) Lame Mystery: When the reader finally finds out the truth, it is lame.
3) Lame Theme: Who cares that some animal was caged and treated well until it escapes.
That is the problem with stories like this, once you find out what the truth is you no longer think it is so slick anyway. You just think, oh boy, what a trick.
Once again I've gone way too long.
Hopefully there've been some things that will make you think about great writing that you can use in your own writing.
Next time we'll take a look at the beginning of Heminway's classic, The Old Man and the Sea.
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